


1:49 A.M.

by last_angel



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Relationship(s), Reminiscing, thoughtful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 17:58:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2782337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_angel/pseuds/last_angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua wonders about his relationship with Gon and a few thorns about them are uncovered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1:49 A.M.

**Author's Note:**

> ♔ ♛ ♖ ♝ ♘ ♟ ****
> 
> **1:49 a.m || drabble || completed** \- is what this thing was first called on Tumblr. 
> 
> Hello, so I don't know if I"ll be able to update or write anything for Christmas, though I really want to, so here's this little thing that just flowed out last night while I was halfway from passing out. 
> 
> I'd read [Constelaltion246's](http://constellation246.tumblr.com/) headcanon about Gon not knowing enough about Killua to answer those couple's questions (it's a game or something) and that's what was on my mind while I was dozing off so credits for the inspiration goes to them //claps//. 
> 
> [[They are a wonderful writer. You should check out their work. I love them.]]  
> [[[yay i learned how to link crap!! 0v0]]]

"Killua…"

Silence. The fourth time calling out his name and the blue-eyed boy wouldn’t even bat an eye, never giving any sign of registering Gon’s voice or even acknowledging his existence. 

"Killua!" 

He tried again earning a slight, dim, glimmer in those deep yet obscure blue eyes. 

"Killua…hey!"

Finally recognition flashes and Killua turns to face Gon while keeping his lax position, head resting on his arms, eyes half-lidded and lazy.

"Hmm?"

The response is so short and dreamy Gon wonders if maybe he pointlessly dragged Killua out of a groggy daze. However, there’s still that odd little twinge of uneasiness stabbing at his side and the faintest hint of sadness in Killua’s eyes that reassures Gon that, no, he hadn’t bee imagining things.

"Are you ok?" He asks while scooting closer.

"Yeah. Why?" His words sound sincere enough that Gon doesn’t doubt he’s lying or hiding his feelings like he tends to.

"Nothing, you’ve just been really quiet."

Killua’s lungs filled with air as he took a deep breath. He held it there for a second before slowly exhaling feeling a little lightheaded afterwards.

"Have I?"

Blue eyes searched Gon and he nods. Killua hums in response and breaths out a tired “sorry”. They fall back into a dead silence, each drifting off into their own private thoughts. Killua closed his eyes wanting to try and take a nap. It was one of those rare moment  he felt a hollow peace. Neither sad nor happy. A neutral feeling where the world didn’t matter. There were no worries or fears to lose himself to. There was no anxiety or longing to drown in. There was simply nothing but the slow tick of time as it slipped from between their fingers. 

"Killua." Gon says once again, breaking the silence. Killua raises his eyebrows in response. "What are you thinking about?" 

Killua doesn’t even bother to think about it. “Nothing.” He answers automatically. 

Too quickly, Gon thinks “Liar.” 

"I’m not." Killua insists. It was true.  "I was just hoping to fall asleep." 

"That’s not true. You’ve been thinking about something."

"I already said I wasn’t." Killua groaned becoming slightly annoyed. 

"Maybe not this second but you  _have_  been thinking about something.” 

Once again piercing blue eyes fell upon and held Gon’s golden-brown ones. Though still half-lidded they no longer looked sleepy but rather attentive. At the lack of response Gon continued. 

"Tell me." 

The seconds passed and Gon’s anticipation for a response dwindle thinking Killua would try to evade the command but to his surprise he doesn’t.

"Gon, why do you stay with me?"

Gon raises his eyebrows in surprise but they quickly fall back down forming a frown.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you stay with me?" Killua repeats ignoring Gon’s question.

"Because…I love you and I want to be with you."

The confusion is clear in Gon’s voice but Killua offers no explanation to his odd behavior and simply shrugs hiding his face in his arms.

"Why?" Gon asks feeling unexpectedly anxious. 

"No reason. It’s just…" Killua comes out of hiding, cheeks slightly flushed and eyes gleaming tenderly, looking vulnerable. "Aren’t I…hard to love?" 

His eyes flicker to Gon for the briefest of moments before falling back down to the floor. Confused by what Killua is hoping to hear Gon takes his time with the answer, in the end deciding speaking honestly, as he’s always done, was the best way to go. 

"I don’t think so. I think, you are incredibly easy to love. Too easy, it’s a little overwhelming at times. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll end up drowning because of it." 

Killua dares to meet the soft, gentle look Gon has in his eyes as he chuckles, a light pink blush crawling up to his cheeks. Killua’s face also feels hotter but he keeps his eyes on Gon admiring the natural beauty he is. 

"Hey, Killua. Can I ask you the same thing?" 

"Same thing?" 

"Am I hard to love?"

_Yes_. Gon was sure that was the answer. He made it a point to be hard to love. There was a certain fear in being unconditionally loved and after hurting Killua that fear only increased, but he also learned the magnificence in loving something so wholly and purely he couldn’t help but fall into that yearning and accept the love so honestly given to him. 

"I think…" Killua pauses causing Gon’s heart to stutter awkwardly in his chest, his anxiety shooting through the roof. Killua had been so still and tame these past few hours it made the moment feel climatic in a way. "I think you can be hard to handle, but not hard to love. You make others want to love you, it’s so hard not to. But you…don’t seem to want that love…is what it feels like at times." 

Killua scrunched his nose unsure if his message go across. It was difficult putting his feeling into words and normally he wouldn’t give Gon the pleasure of knowing what was inside his dark and twisted mind, but the day was so serene he really couldn’t give a damn at the moment. It almost felt as though this moment was nonexistence. As if Gon would wake up and not remember anything, so it was ok to confess everything right now. 

"I didn’t before. I tended to push away people I felt were becoming too special." Gon laughed humorlessly, his eyes glued to his fingers as they fumbled to distract him. "I get scared…sometimes, that I’ll end up losing everything I’ve managed to get my hands on. That I’ll be the one who ends up breaking what I love the most. 

It’s kind of stupid really. There are ways to keep that from happening. I should just protect it and treasure it more if I don’t want to lose it.” Gon looked up, hoping to catch Killua’s eyes but the blue coolness were looking elsewhere, Killua’s entire being concentrating on Gon’s words, so Gon let his eyes fall again. “I’m a coward. I’m flighty and am always on the run afraid that something will catch me or pass me if I stay still too long. I become so afraid so I just keep running.” 

Killua huffs a chuckle, mumbling a muffled, “As if you could outrun me.”

Gon raises his gaze again and this time he is met with the familiar blue irises, relieved to find a small smile upon those soft, rosy lips and a gleam of understanding in the dark pools. 

"Yeah." The single word is not enough to capture the whirl of emotions Gon is feeling, but being just enough for Killua to understand. 

"And what about me? Do you think I’m too…invasive?" Killua asks stepping head first into the spotlight. 

"No. You should try invading me more actually. I’d really enjoy that." Gon teased earning a light hearted laugh from the ex-assassin.

"You should try too." 

There is an underlying seriousness in the playful words making Gon take a moment to analyze his partner. The same child-like smile is still on Killua’s lips but his eyes were screaming something completely different.

"Do I not invade you enough?"

Again Killua laughs, rolling and shifting into a more comfortable position.

"You don’t invade me at all."

The words hit Gon like a bucket of cold water. He does a quick rundown remembering all the times he’s openly expressed his feelings and becomes confused. Had he not been selfish? Egoistic? Greedy? Always taking everything and anything he could from Killua? Was that not intrusive?

Seeing Gon’s confusion Killua licked his too dried lips and rose, sitting properly, all traces of the previous playful atmosphere slowly disappearing. 

"Gon, when is my birthday?" 

Obviously he didn’t know the answer to that. Gon’s stunned and half-horrified looks makes Killua smile sadly at him feeling only the slightest bit of pity for his boyfriend. 

"What’s my favorite color?"

Gon’s voice is lost. Mind searching fruitlessly for an answer Killua is well aware he doesn’t have. 

"Favorite band? What is the one thing that will piss me off in a matter of seconds? Lamest gift I’ve ever received? Who in my family do I respect the most?" 

The questions kept coming and Gon was helpless to fend himself against them. Killua was merciless in his attack but was hurting just as much as Gon. He was also to blame after all. 

He had never given anyone the impression that it was ok to ask about him. He’d never wanted anyone to ask about him nor cared about others knowing about him. Putting Gon on the spot like this was rather cruel but it was necessary. If Killua didn’t point it out Gon would never realize how weak their relationship was in some aspects. Not until it was maybe too late.

"I…I’m…"

"You don’t have to apologize." Killua assures him already tasting the apology on Gon’s lips. "I never told you much about myself anyway." 

"But you weren’t against it." Gon seethed quietly, disgusted with himself.

He shook with anger, tears burning behind his eyelids. Killua watched him, silently, unsure of how good of an idea it was to answer.

"You…spoke openly about your family even though you knew you risked me not believing you. You never purposely hide anything from me unless you think something bad would come of it…but even Kurapika, you’ve freely answered his questions about you. So it’s not like you were avoiding the subject." 

"There _are_ some things I’d rather not have you know." Killua admits, trying to offer his best friend some sort of comfort. 

Tears start spilling over tanned skin. They rolled down Gon’s now less rounded cheeks and curved around his trembling lips, his eyes shaded by his drooping, disheveled hair. 

"I really doubt your birthday is amongst those things." 

Silence. Again. For the millionth time it seems only this time the atmosphere is heavy and grim. The seconds drone on slower than before making it all the more painful to sit through.

"Sorry" The ex-assassin tries, regretting having brought up the subject. 

It had been such a relaxing day. 

Gon stays quiet for an unbearable amount of time. Killua tries looking at him a couple of times but the obscure and saddened face, those fragile, trembling lips and soft, glistening tears are too painful to watch. 

"Killua." Gon’s voice breaks. His lips move but no sound follows. Words too slurred for Killua to try and figure out what they are.

"I’m sorry, Gon. Just forget I said anything." 

Gon’s breath hitches making Killua wince. A sob finally emits from the darker of the two. Gon takes a moment to catch his breath, trying to will his tears to stop. 

"…this is…love right? What I feel for you is love, isn’t it Killua? What else could it be? I could-I could never feel this way about anyone else so it _must_ be love." 

Killua winces again feeling Gon’s gaze burn into his skin but he’s unable to look at the frightened expression, equally afraid to find the answer.

"I think it is. What I feel right here." Lightly Gon tapped over his heart stubbornly keeping his eyes on Killua. "It’s warm and bubbly. Sometimes it’s too hot and sometimes it’s really cold and painful but, all the emotions you make me feel, I think they are all love. Maybe I don’t know a lot about you, like others would know about their partners, but I think I know a lot more than what others could easily ask you about. I think I know some things about you not even you know about yourself." 

Warm tears fell from Killua’s eyes. Small droplets clinging to to his eyelashes.

"We still have a lot of time to learn more about each other. I’m not going anywhere and I sure as hell won’t let you wander off without me. We won’t break. I promise" 

Killua nodded, looking and feeling more like a child than he’d had in his entire life. Gon wiped the slow rolling tears from his beloved’s eyes loving the sincerity behind them but hating the pain they were proof of. 

"I still don’t see how can say I’m lovable." Killua mused while running his fingers through Gon’s hair, his heart settling back down in his chest. "I’m too…uncertain and unreliable to be so readily loved, as you say. I’m an assassin. A natural born killer. No one in their right mind would love me." 

"It’s a good thing I’m crazy then." Gon laughed, stealing a chaste kiss from Killua’s lips. "And I love running head first into the face of danger." 

The final lone tears roll down Killua’s face. 

"You’re such an idiot." The ex-assassin grinned, his fingers timidly intertwining with their contrasting counterpart’s.

Gon mirrored the grin, batting his eyelashes innocently. “You still love me.” 

"I do. Much to my dismay." Gon hummed as Killua continued to caress him. Fingers delivering gentle touches. "Though I guess part of me likes it. The constant worry over you. It’s like a weird kink or fetish I may have developed. You do horrors to my anxiety."

"You’re cute when you’re worried." 

That earned Gon a smack on the forehead but he showed no sign of repentance, instead deciding to steal another kiss from his unsuspecting partner only to earn another smack.

"Hey Killua." 

"What?" There went the tenderness. 

"When’s your birthday?" 

 

**Author's Note:**

> not sure if I'll have enough time or if enough people will see this but...vote here [in the comments] whether I should update:
> 
> *[ _Wrong Cinderella_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2291636/chapters/5038799)  
>  *[ _Cold Hard Bars_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2291729/chapters/5038991)  
>  *[ _The Other Side of a Coin_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2333789/chapters/5142743)
> 
> or maybe a one shot sequel to [_Ripples on Shallow Water_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2576150)


End file.
